Mom is now “home”. She is in the house she has lived in for the last 20 years – the place she knows the best, where all her things are. We made the trip a week and a half ago. My next few posts will be about the preparation for the trip and all the experiences we had in that short time.
My heart is stuck though. I have written about needing to hear words of affirmation from the woman I know of as my mother, but none will be forthcoming. I wanted her to miss me even a little. I wanted her to hug my arm or touch my face. No. Nothing.
Yet, I had an “aha” moment the night before I got on a plane to go back to my house. We were piled up on my sister’s bed just having a girl chat when she quipped, “I don’t want to live in California!” For the next few minutes, neither my sister or I could redirect her. Mom was adamant, argumentative, spouting nonsense, and downright angry. She got her geography mixed up and actually asked me, “Where do you think you got your brain?” – meaning where did I go to school. Her question had nothing to do with genetics.
Her rant was eye-opening. As we tried several times to redirect, I got a revelation. Mom was trying to tell me she loved me! She was trying to communicate her dismay over the fact that I was leaving. My mom could not find the words to say nor could she express the feelings roiling around in her heart. Though she was dismayed for a few minutes, I ended up understanding that she may not be able to say the words, but it was there – buried under her inability, almost disabled by her condition, but it was there. She loves me!