Mom is now “home”.  She is in the house she has lived in for the last 20 years – the place she knows the best, where all her things are.   We made the trip a week and a half ago.  My next few posts will be about the preparation for the trip and all the experiences we had in that short time. 

My heart is stuck though.  I have written about needing to hear words of affirmation from the woman I know of as my mother, but none will be forthcoming. I wanted her to miss me even a little.  I wanted her to hug my arm or touch my face.  No. Nothing. 

Yet, I had an “aha” moment the night before I got on a plane to go back to my house.  We were piled up on my sister’s bed just having a girl chat when she quipped, “I don’t want to live in California!”  For the next few minutes, neither my sister or I could redirect her.  Mom was adamant, argumentative, spouting nonsense, and downright angry.  She got her geography mixed up and actually asked me, “Where do you think you got your brain?” – meaning where did I go to school.  Her question had nothing to do with genetics.

 Her rant was eye-opening.  As we tried several times to redirect, I got a revelation.  Mom was trying to tell me she loved me!  She was trying to communicate her dismay over the fact that I was leaving.  My mom could not find the words to say nor could she express the feelings roiling around in her heart.  Though she was dismayed for a few minutes, I ended up understanding that she may not be able to say the words, but it was there – buried under her inability, almost disabled by her condition, but it was there.  She loves me!