I shouldn’t have been offended but I was. I read a blog post over the weekend similar to mine except the blogger’s mom has Alzheimer’s. The similarity ended there. The writing was inspirational and I wished I was more like her because it would seem that this blogger lives with the same challenges and rises to meet them like a champion. Actually, a good word would be that she is angelic! Her attitude and spirit is amazing. Essentially, she is grateful to be a caregiver and gave her kids wisdom should they find themselves in the same situation as she. Then, I read more of her posts and a little jealousy crept in.
So I found myself offended and jealous and now mad at myself for getting offended and jealous because her posts were so sweet, touching, and warm while mine….well….not so much. Okay, I only claimed I wanted to journal our journey. I took offense because I can’t claim to be without irritation or frustrated or feeling a little sorry for myself. I do feel sorry for mom and know she’d be appalled and sorry for herself if she knew. I know deep down though – the other blogger is right – I need an attitude and heart check daily.
I don’t have the sweetest of stories of memories with mom. Our relationship wasn’t particularly close. The anecdotes I share aren’t going to be tied to warm chocolate chip cookies from the oven or sing songy ditties and private haha jokes we share. The tidbits will be from her present sometimes with ties to my feelings and issues from my past. I will catch myself looking at her to see if she is looking at me with even a hint of pride or admiration for having such an awesome daughter!
She never got to know ME – or really my children and now she is incapable of it. That is partially (maybe most of it) my fault. I was given many years to reach out and be more of a friend than a daughter. Now, it is too late and what I do read in her eyes is uncertainty not an olive branch to make peace. I want to be inspiring – I really do. But the best I can offer is a peek at our reality. So, stay tuned because I have a lasagna story for tomorrow!
P.S. I may not mention it often, but I am a Christian and want to be obedient. I love Jesus and want that love to flow through me to my family, my friends and yes, my mom. I may not quote Bible verses or get “preachy”, but it is there. He is in this with me – I am not alone and for that I am truly grateful.